VGAHL Season 19 Snap Shots, Volume 3: Thinning the Herd (Physically and Digitally)
*man, VGHL's website pisses me off. I have everything properly formatted, bolded, italicized, and all that jazz, and it won't let me directly copy and paste from my Google Docs to there and keep the format. Maybe if I donate $10, Castro will add that functionality to the website and give me my rightful Discord role of "VGAHL Media Correspondent Extraordinaire".
Also, a tip: add some spinach into your homemade pasta sauce. It's gonna look like shit, and your shit might turn green, but the flavour profile in there is *Italian hand thing* MWAH!
Three weeks into the season, and we see some patterns start to form: more than half the teams in the Eastern Conference playoffs will be coming from the Atlantic division, all the really good players waited until the season started and then slid into bidding, and owners are forfeiting teams at 9:11. While you see some patterns start to form in the first few weeks of the season, you really see them develop and become the identities that teams are known by.
Some teams have overpowering offense (San Diego and Hershey, chill the fuck out okay?), while some teams have stifling defenses (hey Charlotte and utica, it's a video game, stop playing the trap <3), while some teams have neither of these qualities and need to change something immediately (Stars, Phantoms, either quit or flip (the team)). When studying your opponents and sending out your scrub hunters, you must take these identities into account and prepare accordingly.
We're halfway into the season, and this is a crucial time for many teams. While the world is falling apart because of this COVID-19 situation, teams are falling apart because of egos, availability issues, and more. The strong teams will persevere through the adversities and become ready for playoffs, while the weak teams will crumble under the pressure as we pass the 50/50 mark of the season and progress towards the playoffs. But enough of this bullshit...
Let's take some Snap Shots!
Bakersfield Condors: the Condors are a middle of the pack team, not possessing any mind blowing stats and maintaining a respectable 16-13 record. Their average TOA is relatively low, so Tzatziki or however the fuck you say his name is leading a quick and effective Bakersfield team that may need to hold the puck a little longer to make a run at the chip.
Belleville Senators: lol. The Senators are great on the road (11-5) but are dogshit at home (4-9). Interestingly enough, they find themselves directly behind the Condors in the standings (it was actually the Sound Tigers, pardon me).. Exile and Aho still lead the offense for the Senators, and while they score a lot, they give up 19 more goals (139). Clark needs to hold up his end of the bargain in his zone.
Binghamton Devils: the Devils have the dubious honour of having the third largest negative goal differential in the league, being outscored by 65 goals so far in their 9-18-2 season. The Devils aren't scaring anybody, and need more presence from Tychi and Mattfat if they want to start inciting fear in their opponents and start winning some games.
Bridgeport Sound Tigers: now that I'm done confusing these clowns with Bakersfield, I can talk about how Icedfire has lead his Tigres (amid controversy) to a respectable record at 14-12-3. They're outscoring teams by a respectable margin (25 goals), NYPD and Hockeybrady's offense leads a core that has the potential to make a little noise in the playoffs.
Charlotte Checkers: these cute boys beat us in a sweaty OT game this past week, and give up the fewest goals in the league with 60 (just over 2 per game). They more than double other teams in scoring, and with Grammy and Jaali not relenting in their offensive production, Tommy and his Checkers are gonna keep rising through the standings.
Chicago Wolves: the Windy city is turning into the shitty city, as the Wolves find themselves near the bottom of the standings with a 9-20 record, and have a significant negative goal differential (-56). With their high scorers averaging just over 2 points a game, Icy and Harry need to step their game up with an under-performing goaltending and defensive core. Sad!
Reminds me of the NHL President Trump parody account on Twitter, he rips teams and sounds like the big orange idiot when he does it. We love it.
Cleveland Monsters: the Monsters are tied for the longest active losing streak in the league at 8 games, bringing their record to 11-16-2. The former 11-8-2 team doesn't look horrible on paper (aside from being outscored by 62 goals), and Jimmy and Legend still have time to encourage Frosty and Shrum to step it up and end this streak.
Colorado Eagles: I didn't fuck this one up, the Eagles are directly below the monsters in the standings and share an identical record. The difference is that the Eagles scored 15 goals less but also let up 50 fewer goals. Daknot and Tom guide the offense of the Eagles, and blacksabs needs to address the defense and goaltending while he still has time.
Grand Rapids Griffins: the Griffins find themselves ahead of the Monsters by a slim three point margin, posting a 13-15-1 record but find themselves being outscored by 38 goals. Spyking's Griffins are being lead offensively by their assistant Leprechaunn, but for how long… :eyes: oh this isn't Discord? This sucks. Oh well. There's trouble afoot in Grand Rapids!
Hartford Wolf Pack: the Wolf Pack are having a rough go this season, being outscored more than any other team with a differential of -102. Tied for second least wins in the league with 7, Ego and Chico need to take control of this team and get them to take control of the fucking puck (averaging under 4 minutes of time on attack per game).
Hershey Bears: we go from being outscored by 102 to outscoring teams by 112, as Hershey have done so far in their 21-6-1 season. Blades is leading the AHL in points, with Youngboog not far behind as Capitalsfan marvels at the success of his Squirts. BTW, if you don't know about the Hershey Squirts by now, they're the shit. Figuratively and literally.
Iowa Wild: the wild are letting in a WILD amount of goals this season, letting in more than any other team at 165. Their road record of 3-14-1 is one of the worst in the league, and if Nightstalker and Jake don't find some better options at defense and in net, their overall record is gonna be comparable to that road record (they're 5-5-1 at home, try playing like that more!)
Laval Rocket: cummy and oakboyz are riding high in the Atlantic division, going 22-5-1 and sitting in second in a tight Atlantic playoff race. The Rocket are one of the most disciplined teams in the league, and if Dudnastyy keeps up his outstanding season on the ice and focuses less on the bullshit off the ice, Laval will succeed and bring a smile to lil' Ciulla's face.
Lehigh Valley Phantoms: the lowest scoring team in the league (58 goals), the Phantoms invested heavily in goalies and could have benefitted from some investments in offense. Brat and Chad have a great goalie in Silentcricket, but they'll need to find some help up front if they want to win more than the eight of their twenty nine they have won so far.
Manitoba Moose: we go from the third last team to the second last team in the Manitoba Moose, who aren't actually playing too horribly, they just haven't been able to pull out the wins. Complex and Rouxchard are a formidable offensive duo, who just need some support and this Moose team could experience a significant turnaround.
Alright, I'm going to bed. Gonna watch some NJPW and catch some Z's. Goodnight, friends.
Milwaukee Admirals: with lucky numbers of 13-13-2 throughout their first three weeks (another missing game, WTF), the Admirals are not living up to their preseason hype. They're outscoring teams by 28 goals, but either are not winning those close games or getting dogshit availability from their big guns in Nick and Bail. Peeace can't do it all by himself!
Ontario Reign: MrBean said his team sucks just before we spanked them, but the Reign have a respectable record so far of 16-12-1. Their issue could be their tendency to take penalties (5th in the league with 179 PIMS), but with their leading scorer being promoted to the NHL, Steel and Five need to carry the torch of a team that will likely make the playoffs.
Providence Bruins: man Rookie and Cookie beat us this week and I was NOT happy. Oh well, we played like shit and deserved to lose. Providence isn't in the playoff picture in the east with their 15-13-1 record, but they're having an acceptable season. Maybe the Baby Bruins need to start turning their 6 and a half minutes of possession into scoring chances.
Rochester Americans: the Americans are holding their own in the tight Atlantic division with an impressive 22-7 record. With the third lowest goals against in the league with 70. Overkill and Stonerboy create an effective offensive duo that supports Fucknutz's solid backend. Kozmo's Kids are doing Rochester proud.
Rockford Ice Hogs: the Ice Hogs are the worst team in a playoff spot with their abysmal 8-17-4 record. Giving up the 5th most goals in the league at 158, having Sportsgeek as your only goalie is an issue that Rockford must address. Geek kinda sucks (sorry mang), maybe trade FUQT for a goalie so you don't continue to get fucked.
San Antonio Rampage: the third best team in the West, San Antonio is 17-10-2 and outscoring their opponents by a 35 goal margin. Whitetees and motown are forming an impressive offensive duo that is making life easy for Owen and the back end of this team. I forgot who their AGM is. Fuckem. I think we beat these guys already. Also they have more hits than anybody in the AHL, so they're living up to their name.
San Diego Gulls: we play them tonight and it's gonna be sweatier than a guy with IBS in Walmart these days. The Gulls are second in the West and are the second highest scoring team in the league with 166 goals. Trav and Ducky have many great offensive weapons on this team in Campbell, Smetty, and other players that will likely be on the Ducks next week.
San Jose (ooooooohhhhhh…) Barracuda: MIDAMDIKBURNSHOT is turning this team around, jumping to 8-20-1 and is 6-3-1 in their last 10 games! Getting rid of the cancerous fucks and getting support from Gritty, Melka, Vytexx, and Jessie is getting the drums beating and momentum rolling in San Jose.
Springfield Thunderbirds: these bastards have the same record as us, going 21-6-2 and making this Atlantic division absolutely fucked. Chaos and CSM lead a team that has their offense going through KnoimTrash and are converting on very little offensive possession per game (05:38). The Thunderbirds are flying high through their first three weeks.
Stockton Heat: meh. Stockton aren't scoring much (77, 4th lowest in the league) and their record is evident of this as they are 9-19-1. Finish's team is not Flashy, as their hot players like Yorsini, Sunwalker, and Eagles aren't showing up. Get those talents on the ice, and Stockton has a chance to heat up and make a run in the West.
Syracuse Crunch: big boys! Syracuse peppers teams with shots and leads the league with 560 of them, while also leading the league in general with a 24-4-1 record. Murphwizzle's squad has helped propel him to 51 goals and 57 points so far, while Sheep and Carlos are having stellar seasons as his linemates. Expect Syracuse to continue their dominance.
Texas Stars: and expect this team to continue to suck. Like their NHL counterpart, Texas is having an awful season and finds themselves at the bottom of the AHL (5-22-1). They have the second fewest goals for in the league (61), and Strick better get somebody better than Balloon to lead his offense. Trade for a STAR for the STARS (AHA!)
"Taaaaaaaaaake onnnnnnnn meeeeeee (take, on, me)"
Toronto Marlies: we had our first winless night this past Sunday and had a disappointing 6-3-1 week. People on our team are dropping like flies! Ax and I couldn't finish a cupcake let alone an open net pass. Blohmer's internet is fucked, and DodgeballAsyulm23 is up to his old tricks. Still, old guys on the blue line have lead us to a 21-6-2 record. Very nice!
Tuscon Roadrunners: not so nice! 8-18-2 through 29 game splayed (math???), the Roadrunners aren't doing much of anything except for having the worst PK in the league at 54.3%. Their defense needs improvement, and Hamburglar needs to get the rest of the Frenchies to step their game up. Vive la resistance du Tuscon!
Utica Comets: they SUCK! Cpenn the dictator has guided glorious Utica to the top of the Western conference with a 24-5-1 record. With the fourth highest goal differential in the league (+78) and the second most shots (545), the Comets' UNDERWHELMING offense lead by Hockeygod and Donatello is helping the strong and prosperous Utica team reign supreme on the West.
Wilkes-Barre/Scranton Penguins: Kapanen and the rest of his cronies (sorry Jay) are 23-6-0 and are leading the Metropolitan division. One of the least physical and least penalized teams in the league (second in both categories), Duchesne or however the fuck you spell it leads a disciplined offense that seems primed for a deep playoff run.
I ended up finishing this article after work and my fuck, you would think everybody was prepping for doomsday. We were quoted to do $5K in sales and we ended up doing $12.4K. Not too bad of a day, but it kinda sucks when there's only 3 of you in the store and people are mobbing you. Regardless, it was nice to go and look at the teams and see who's hot and who's not (JFC, I sound like Paris Hilton).
Good luck to everybody this coming week, I'll see you on the ice!