VGAHL Season 19 Snap Shots, Volume 1: Nice To Meet Ya

VGAHL Season 19 Snap Shots, Volume 1: Nice To Meet Ya

By: Dirty-Dietrich

*New league, eh? Let's see how many friends and/or enemies I can make in a couple pages. Most of you are probably reading this on the shitter, so I'll keep it short so your legs don't fall asleep*

The AHL: where stars are groomed and duds are filtered out. It can make careers and can break careers: it's where some players excel and take their next steps towards the Stanley Cup, but also where some faulter and call home for years to come. While the AHL may be considered "minor leagues" by some, it tests the players that think they're the best of the best and determines if they are ready to play top caliber hockey at the NHL level.

While the NHL has the Stanley Cup, the AHL has the Calder Cup and although it's not as significant of an accomplishment of winning Lord Stanley's prized possession, winning it is still no easy feat to achieve. 31 teams are going to be vying for this championship over the next 3 months, where stars will emerge, blockbuster trades will occur, and as par for the course in the Chel community, controversy will ensue.

So, I'll briefly introduce myself and then fire off a couple quick preseason thoughts about each of the 31 teams while I type away and drink myself through this dismal Maple Leafs performance. We're losing 6-3 to a fucking emergency call-up goalie on the Hurricanes, come ON.

About Me: Hello! I'm Dirty-Dietrich, Toronto Marlies Captain. I have been playing EASHL for about a decade now, while playing competitively in leagues for three years. Over this short span, I've won championships in multiple leagues (ironically, just winning a Calder Cup in another), but have taken the time to develop my media portfolio by providing written coverage, commentary, podcasts, and more. I'm hoping I can contribute just as much to the VG community, with a specific focus on the VGAHL.

Enough about me, let's get to the Snap Shots:

Bakersfield Condors: Rahzki and fordifide went the Moneyball route and didn't spend too much on one player and built a solid roster across the board. However, most of their players have shitty availability and no cap left. Have fun at the deadline!

Belleville Senators: Clark and Exile went for the big 13 player roster, and didn't tie up too much in their top line of Nate, Aho, and Grattz. However, I'm pretty sure half of this team is on the block already, so something must be up. I don't know if I'm allowed to say that. RIP.

Binghamton Devils: Beard and Ledge went out and got their star center in Tychi66, but they slotted him alongside Shrum and ACID, yikes. However, the team looks solid in the back end, and while offense wins game, defense wins championships. Good for them!

Charlotte Checkers: look the fuck out. Tbizzle and Grammy got MT to play on their top line and got Wrecked (who shit talked me while I was bidding on him, whatever, u2 M8) and Jaali to play D, making them the most expensive top 5 in the league. Top heavy, they'll have to rely on availability changes and their top line to win every game. Cute boys score goals!

Chicago Wolves: this team has like three forwards, lmao. Clutch and Spark made sure they had defense locked down, grabbing four natural defenders. Let's hope a few of them play forward positions too. Oh Jaytoven is on IR? That makes sense. Still, needs more offense!

Cleveland Monsters: is jimmy420 JMM? I always called him that. This team pumped $4.5 into Frosty and has lots of depth at the left wing. However, their offensive firepower drastically outweighs their blueline presence. Make a deal with Chicago!

Colorado Eagles: Black and Loco put good money into Typhoon and got a decent starting goalie, but lack any big names around him. However, they still have $4 mill in cap and a deep team, so maybe they'll prey on a crumbling team trying to move their top star for a bag of pucks.

Hartford Wolf Pack: Ego and Chico paid a hefty price for priceless and fortified their goaltending. However, they grabbed Dancintank so their goaltending better be fucking good. In all seriousness, this team is balanced enough to stand a chance this season.

UNLIKE THE FUCKING LEAFS WHEN THEY PLAY A THIRD STRING GOALIE

Hershey Bears: almost called them the Hershey Squirts. Capsfan and Boog paid big bucks for Blades and Krazy 8, while filling out their lineup with some decently priced players with good availability. This is the second legitimately good team I've seen so far.

Iowa Wild: aside from being the best Slipknot album, Iowa doesn't look that great. Jake and nighstalker spent a big chunk of cash on two left defenders with minimal availability. With some other bargain players, the Wild are expecting fuckin' Norris numbers from their left side or else they won't do much.

Laval Rocket: fuck me, Cam and Oak spent 6 million on DudNastyy. That prick better play every game. They also dropped 3 mill on Crazymann and have a bunch of cheap guys with decent availability. Better hope they're better than decent, because you got 12 mill on one line.

Lehigh Valley Phantoms: this team has three starting goalies and a bunch of cheap players. They have 2 mill remaining in cap, so trade one of these goalies and a left wing for a starting C and go score some goals, because you aren't gonna let many in.

Manitoba Moose: Gedds and Cammy (I thought his name was cummy) played it smart: didn't overpay for players and got players with good availability. They also have a deep roster with depth at every position. Manitoba fucking sucks to live in, so at least they got a decent AHL team.

Milwaukee Admirals: Between Scy, Kanye, and Ry0, this team will win games. However, egos (pun intended) and lack of depth will cost them some games. I say this team wins more than loses, but may lose it all as combustible elements may combine and explode.

Somebody get Brain Burke off my television, thanks

Ontario Reign: Five got steel as his assistant? I thought it was gonna be Pete. Fuckem. Bean and Hokori take up almost half as this team's cap, which they filled with some cheap guys with solid availability. Bean better change that availability to something worth the money. SUCCME.

Providence Bruins: ROOKIE AND COOKIE. SP's alumni team got Arrow, Bufford, and Freeze to complete the prophecy. They have a $7.5 million D pair and fuckin' worthless top line. Good dudes, could be better players. Oh well, every league needs a bottom team.

Rochester Americans: fucknutz and graham_scott built a solid forward core without overpaying too much. However, their lack of defensive and goaltending depth may be an issue. Trade with the Phantoms! They have goaltending in spades!

Rockford Ice Hogs: sportsgeek and Krazy didn't go tot crazy and kept their roster at 10 men with their largest contract being Charbennn at $3 mill. They have a lack of depth at LD and C, and should look at moving the Geek to LD and grabbing another goalie so this team doesn't have to suffer from Geek playing G.

San Antonio Rampage: Owen and Sleeptech (reminds me of "Doomtech" by Vein) got Rich's boy Whitetees at $3 mill and kept contracts reasonable across the board. They've got decent players and decent depth, but lack the availability that top teams may have. Don't expect San Antonio to Rampage through the standings, but to lightly trott above the .500 line.

San Diego Gulls: ducky and Trav built (amid slight controversy) arguably the best offensive team in the AHL. They got smetmatt, KnoimJim, and some guy named xNav? IDK if you know who that is. I do. Look the fuck out. I wonder if their availability will change…

San Jose (oooooooooo…) Barracuda: MIDAMDIKBURNSHOT and Gritty built a balanced team where their starters got good contracts and their backups got good availability. They got good depth across the board and a bit of cap to work with. Realistically, solid team.

Springfield Thunderbirds: Chaos and Csmo threw a bit of money at defacin ($2.75 mill) and kept things moderate across the board. This team has a SINGLE LD in Morrow, so he needs to play every god damn game of his 7-10 that he is available for. While I have my criticisms, I still think this team has the potential to surprise some people.

Stockton Heat: bglover (big girl?) and mysie have a few moderate contracts in Intro, Katz, and Flash ($8.5 mill altogether), but have talent and depth in spades. With a lot of their players having 5 games or more in availability, expect the Heat to stay in contention.

Syracuse Crunch: man Nestle Crunch is such a good chocolate bar but Nestle as a company are scum of the earth. Killswitch and Murph spent some cash in Carlos, Anheuser, and Collaton, but spent their money on good players with good availability. However, their lack of goaltending depth could pose a big problem if Mullet doesn't play lights out.

Texas Stars: stick and scotty of the Stars stuck with solid players on smart contracts, spending some safe specie (Google it). They got a couple of XIKno boys and filled out a solid back end to complement a talented but affordable offensive core. The Stars will strive this season.

Toronto Marlies: man, Serv and I fucked up a bit and overpaid Minor but that's okay! We have a right winger who hasn't responded (and might be homeless TBH) and some other issues, but we got some good defenders and goalies and may stand a fighting chance. We gotta make big boss Rich proud!

Tuscon Roadrunners: I wanted to draft marchand but I guess he got a team with hamburglar. Perfectskillz and Marchand will form a dangerous top line and then they got every other Quebecer in the league it seems. Expect high scoring games at both ends from the Roadrunners. Vive le Tuscon!

Utica Comets: cpenn is flying solo and drafted a defense heavy core of players that included spending $3 mill on hockeygod, then keeping things reasonable with no contracts above $1.75. However, the lack of offensive firepower might be an issue that Penn needs to address. Hey, at least he won't have any objection to his choices!

Wilkes-Barre/Scranton Penguins: TOP HEAVY! Jayscott and Kap spent fucking $8.75 on their starting D-pair in Devo and BadNews and made us feel good for how much we paid Minor. They got diezel and Duchesne to fill out their top 6 and then just got a few quarter millers to fill their roster. That top line better play like 6 games a week.

Alright, that's it. Remember that the views and opinions expressed here are indeed facts and represent the morals and values of the VGHL community. Not actually, I just started having more fun and got progressively drunker as the night went along. The Leafs suck but the Bruins are losing so that's good. Regardless, best of luck to everybody tomorrow night! See you on the ice!

• DD.