VGAHL Season 19 Snap Shots, Volume 2: Hot Hands and Fast Bans

VGAHL Season 19 Snap Shots, Volume 2: Hot Hands and Fast Bans

By: Dirty-Dietrich

One week into the 19th season of the VGAHL, we've already got some interesting stories to follow: how long will Clark and the Senators last? How many inactive players will take bans? Will Dudester be worth the ridiculous $6 million that was spent on him? Will the VG website load before I finish creating the intro to this article? Only time will tell. While we have these intriguing questions to answer, the path to the answer will take two months to travel and while some teams may think that 9 games is a good sample size of how their season will go, the first week doesn't mean SHIT.

Egos are gonna start to make themselves known, the starters are gonna distinguish themselves from the backups, the chemistry shows flashes of brilliance, and the no-shows start costing teams games (I never thought we would get our first forfeit in the first week but fuck us, right?). Regardless, we're still in the formative stages of the regular season and the roster and standings will be drastically different in one month, one week, hell even one day. This sport is unpredictable, both on the ice and off the ice, and the landscape could change completely with one move.

Alright, let's get down to business. We're gonna go through the 31 teams and see how they've done so far. We'll give them some shit and we'll give them some compliments. Well, not us. I will. You're gonna sit there and take a dump or something.

Let's take some Snap Shots!

Bakersfield Condors: the Condors had a decent opening week, going 6-3 in their nine games. Their games were high scoring at both ends, as they averaged just under 5 goals for and just under 4 goals against in their opening week. Rahzki got a few new forwards to build a strong offensive core, but they still need to address their awful GAA. Figure it out!

Belleville Senators: Clark's chaotic crew had their fair share of controversy this past week, having to move a fair share of the roster with some players catching a ban. Nonetheless, they went 6-4 but hoooly fuck they gave up a lot of goals against (57!) Hopefully they pick up a defender to help Exile and Aho so they don't have to carry this team too much.

Binghamton Devils: we're the Devils! Well, not us. Binghamton has started out the season with a 6-2-1 record and have some modest stats across the board. Shrum leads the offense, while Ledge and Beard lead a competent back-end. Their numbers are average, but will this team let those numbers define them? Will they be challenged more as the season rolls on?

Bridgeport Sound Tigers: I think I didn't do them last week, fuck sorry guys. Icedfire got some polarizing locker room figures in Salda and Shadow, but had a disappointing week going 4-3-1. Their numbers were respectable with a positive goal differential and decent special teams numbers, but they need a centre other than Tempxxr or else they aren't gonna do shit.

Charlotte Checkers: Charlotte's first week was a misleading one, as they outscored their opponents by 37 goals lmao.With this insane differential, they only went 6-2 (I think Tommy said there was a forfeit unaccounted for? VG staff are being lazy). Grammyhands is scoring at an ungodly 6.5 points per game and with a core of aali and tommy, he might do that continuously.

Chicago Wolves: clutch and spark blew it in their first week, going 2 and 8 and being outscored by 27 goals, the third highest differential in the league. ICYUNV ties clutch for the team lead in goals, but it doesn't mean a fucking thing when their team is giving up goals like they're Oprah at a TV taping.

Cleveland Monsters: their logo is weird. Jimmy and and legend had a positive week going 5-4, and having next to no goal differential (1 goal, who cares). Nothing stands out about these monsters, which almost seems like an oxymoron, except for igotdat420 who is averaging 3.40 points per game and just really doesn't have the strongest grip on math.

Colorado Eagles: man I want this team to trade me typhoon. We'll see what they do. Regardless, blacksabs and loco's team was outscored by 15 goals and went 4-5 this week. Colorado doesn't have any offensive stars, nor defensive stars, just Typhoon. Trade me him yes? Okay. See you in my DMs.

Grand Rapids Griffins: another one I missed! Maybe I need to pace myself while drinking this shit. Leprechaunn is leading the league in points and has like 45 goals in 11 (???) games. That doesn't sound like padding at all. However, his team is 3-6-1 and while they're averaging 6.1 goals for, they're averaging 6 goals against. YIKES.

Hartford Wolf Pack: these guys went 3-5-1 this week and were outscored by 23 goals. Once again, this is another team missing star power. Priceless and Nutty are arguably their best two players, but Stud and Chico haven't built too much of a team around them. Regardless, the Wolf Pack have the chance to make some interesting moves to move on up… ;)

I guess now would be a good time to mention that tonight's drink of choice is Beatie's Farm-Crafted Strawberry Vodka mixed with some 7up. Is it a childish drink? Maybe. Is it tastier than the bitter shit you old fucks drink? You bet.

Hershey Bears: the Hershey Squirts were on fire this week, going 7 and 2 and holding their opponents to 21 goals, good for third lowest in the league. Blade Man Dan has got 14 goals in 6 games, and is making CapsFan and Boog very happy with their investment into him. We'll see if they can keep up his high scoring and the team's low goals against.

Iowa Wild: going 2-7-1 in their first week, Iowa had a wildly disappointing week (HA!) their 77 goals against are the highest in the league, and require an immediate address of their goaltending and defense situation. Nightstalker has put up 19 points so far, but he and Jake should expect waaaay more out of their team.

Laval Rocket: the dudester dream is going strong for the Rocket as they are 7-3 through their first week, with the $6 million man leading the way. Cummy and Oak are having good seasons as well, as their squad has 41 goals for and 31 goals against. Their numbers are good, now consistency will be the key for this skilled team.

Lehigh Valley Phantoms: going 3-4 and not knowing where the fuck the other games are, the Phantoms are a solid defensive team with no offense, scoring the third least goals in the league. Brat and Chad have build a solid back-end duo in Chalk and Cricket, but need to get some offense to support those two studs.

Manitoba Moose: 1-9. Yikes. Good for third last in the league and fourth fewest goals for. This is another team that isn't giving up an inordinate amount of goals, but Gedds and Cammy (not cummy) need to make a move to get themselves some firepower. Maybe chat with the Condors?

Milwaukee Admirals: The Admirals had a mixed week, going 4-3-2 including being very generous and letting us finish a game after RJ quit to put his kid back to bed. Shotandmiss and bill have some very high scoring players in Scy, Kanye, and Ry0, but need to get them out there consistently to prove that this mediocre week was an anomaly.

Ontario Reign: FivepointHoe and the Steelman went 50/50 this week, going 5 and 5, and scoring 43 goals for and 43 goals against. The perfect symmetry wasn't even throughout the rest of the stats, but the Reign are capable of much more than this. Beansy has got to play every game of his 3-5 to give the Reign a chance to Reign.

Providence Bruins: the baby Bruins/AKA SP alumni team lead in scoring by FUCKING ARROWHUNTER in points went 6-4 in their first week. Rookie and Cookie built a defense heavy team that is averaging 3.1 goals against. Freeze and Sleez are another rhyming duo that help to stifle offense and build an above average team.

Rochester Americans: the Americans joined the pack of mid-range team, going 6-4 this week, but drastically outplaying their opponents and outscoring them by twenty goals (48-28). Overkill leads the team with 30 points, and if he gets that cool name Bxzzi guy to play more, Fucknutz and Graham are gonna be laughing.

Rockford Ice Hogs: going 3-6-1, Sportsgeek doesn't have anything to freak out about this week from the Ice Hogs. Wetherballoon is leading this team in scoring, but they are giving 5.8 goals a game, so they need to focus less on scoring and more on preventing the other team from doing so at an alarming rate.

San Antonio Rampage: the Rampage ran over their opponents this week, outscoring them 44 to 26. Their 6-3-1 record is a bit misleading of this team's capabilities, as Motown and Whitetees lead the offense for Owen and CFlowz. With one of Goalieman's 5 accounts in net, San Antonio are going to be hard to stop if they continue to play like they did in their first week.

San Diego Gulls: after the Gulls' slow start, they pummeled teams and scored a league best 68 goals to go 7-3-0 on the week. Their big guns showed up and showed out, as Trav and Nav are both averaging 5 points a game. The big question is this: how much of this team will be left after they graduate to two-way contracts and Riv picks the bones of Ducky's team?

San Jose (ooooooohhhhhh…) Barracuda: oh these guys got fucked, RIP. San Jose scored a league lowest 18 goals to complete a perfect week: 9 regulation losses. Gritty and Dikky put a lot of money into their defense and goaltending, but that's not gonna do shit if they don't start scoring more. FLIP THE TEAM no not actually. Maybe. IDK.

I took a break and went to bed and now it's breakfast time. I'm double fisting coffee and orange juice and thought about blending them together to make it easier. I gagged a bit.

Springfield Thunderbirds: first place! I told you these guys would surprise people! The Thunderbirds shut down the offense of teams and only gave up 17 goals, good for second lowest in the league. Knoimtrash leads the team in points as Chaos and CSM look to duplicate their success in week two.

Stockton Heat: (almost) last place! The Heat didn't look so hot and were the other winless team this week, going 0-7-1 (forfeit maybe?). The team has scored a dismal 19 goals and require immediate action from Flash and Mysie if they want to start winning some games. They got the cap for it, so DO SOMETHING.

Syracuse Crunch: man we're on a roller coaster here. Shit team to good team to shit team and so forth. Killswitch and Murph lead their squad to an 8-1 week to start the season. They scored the third most goals in the league this week with 54, with Murph scoring 19 of them. Good on ya! Let's see is him and Sheep can carry this offense for another week.

Texas Stars: Strick and Scotty had a shitty week with small amounts of success. Going 2-6-1 in their first week, they only let up 31 goals in comparison to their 31 goals for. One small shift and the Stars could be a strong squad; with Scotty's scoring prowess (12 of the team's twenty-eight tallies), he needs another forward who could support him.

Toronto Marlies: hey we didn't do too bad! Serv and I were golfing last night and talking about our 7-2 (one forfeit, bleh) week. We scored a lot but also got scored on a lot, with both numbers in the thirties. Ax and Blohm are doing all they can to carry me up front, but the Marlies need to be better in our own zone if we want to keep up our winning ways.

Tuscon Roadrunners: these guys were a bit slow coming out of the gate, going 1-6-1 in their first week (did some teams only play eight games? IDK). Another team that was doubled up in goals for/goals against, Marchand needs to help out Big Joe and Hamantor and get this team back to a positive goal differential. That might take a fair bit of work.

Utica Comets: man we had a wild one against these guys, but the Comets put together a very successful opening week going 8-2. Cpenn's totalitarian rule has benefited Utica as they are averaging only 2 goals against per game, and he is guiding their offense with the help of Hockeygod and Dona_tello. Keep it up! Comet Power!

Wilkes-Barre/Scranton Penguins: and last but not least, the Penguins have like fucking 3 or 4 games up in the air but they went 5-1 this week (so far). Jayscott and Kap need to get this shit sorted out or they're gonna get removed faster than Christmas wrapping paper. Duchesne is killing it with a 5.2 PPG, but if they keep taking FFs, this team won't see playoffs.

Alright, thanks but divulging your attention to my ramblings. There appears to be some favourites and some teams that will do nothing this season, but like I said before, the first week is just that: opening week. Teams are disorganized, players are getting back from vacations, captains are getting DMs like "LOL I forgot I signed up for this league", and more. Regardless, a 9-10 (sometimes 6 apparently) sample size is not enough to accurately predict how a team will do this season.

I'm off to work. It's cold and I'm tired and I'm contemplating a second coffee. Maybe treat myself like shit and get a Monster because I'm a fucking kid.

K bye! Good luck this week!

-DD.